Thursday, March 25, 2010

Self-doubt isn't a good thing in a crazy person...

Ever since my behavioral science teacher pointed out I'm crazy--or rather, eight variants from the norm--I like to whip out the proof. As though there could be any doubt that I'm not playing with a full duck.

The last few months haven't been easy. School, bills, kids, jobs--that whole issue with anemia. I think I'm still iron-poor, because finals totally burned me out. Someone asked me if I'd learned anything over the last quarter and I did--self-doubt is not a good thing in a crazy person. I create my own reality. I think most writers do. A therapist would call me delusional, but I like to think of it as inhabiting sort of a pocket universe where somehow I got stuck at thirty and still look a lot like those pictures I took just before I moved out West. No clue why sometimes I look exactly like my internal image, and sometimes I don't. But college--real, on-campus, with the teenagers and twentysomethings college--is messing with my head.

Maybe I've finally noticed I'm old. I mean, you can "know" something for the truth, but not realize it. I look around, see people my age, and think "old". Until recently I looked at myself and thought, "Jodi". But ever since small groups I've been secretly afraid that I actually look and act like the other old people. I noticed a little soft skin around my jawline, and spent hours feeling it like I had the mumps or something.

I know I'm angsting over my age, but my pocket universe is leaking. Things that used to be easy are getting harder and harder--I can't get a lock, I can't get a grip. I'm getting push-back on stuff across the board and I'm doubting myself. I watched a video on Digital Nation, that said the more you multi-task, the more fragmented your attention span becomes, and the less effective you are. I need to look at my life and see what I can trim back.

4 comments:

deanna said...

Is there some intricate math equation for the number of variants from the norm? No full duck, hm? :o)

I hope I don't sound flip - I recognize the very things you're saying, and my pocket universe has leaked bigtime in past years. I think I've blogged the same thing a few zillion times, different ways. But it's a big deal, because we do put together our own realities, and then they take a vacation and come back different.

But the good part, I think, is we get to be wrinkled old broads who are wise (if not somebody's notion of effective) and don't worry about what the youngsters think. Maybe they'll end up reading us when their little realities start leaking.

Eva Gale said...

" I watched a video on Digital Nation, that said the more you multi-task, the more fragmented your attention span becomes, and the less effective you are. I need to look at my life and see what I can trim back"

You and me both, sister. You and me both.

Hailey Edwards said...

"I need to look at my life and see what I can trim back."

I feel you there. I have only two things to juggle--writing and family--and still they war with one another.

I don't see how you do all the things you do. It amazes me.

jodi said...

lol, Deanna. I've never played with a full duck. :) But yes, you're right. Those pocket universes do bounce back.