It was fifty five degrees today. Too cold to turn off the heat, and not cold enough to stay inside. It stopped raining and the sky was a perfect, gorgeous blue. I don't think I'll ever get used to this place. People were out in shorts and t-shirts, mowing the yard and washing their cars. 55 is cold. I was wearing a cardigan and felt so out of place.
I got an ultrasound. Very uncomfortable, and uhm...not at all where I thought it was going to be. From the way she circled in on this one area, I think the tech found what she was looking for. She spent the entire time telling me about her hysterectomy, how badly she bled, and how long she was on her back, and in general scared the hell out of me. The ob-gyn is next Tuesday and I'll have more to go on--more to figure out. Guess I was just running scared. Still am. But at least now I'm thinking straight. Probably all these iron pills.
I wasn't a very nice person in small groups. The teacher improved on acquaintance, or maybe he was focusing in on someone else and I slid under the radar. I'll probably get a bad grade, because we suck as a group, but I'm learning a lot and can absorb a 2.0. Good stuff. Although I was utterly horrible to one of the team/group members. By the time she got there (she was late) and tried talking to us, I was p'd off. My financial aid. My gpa! My good intentions.... I was so wound up in me, I didn't even stop to think. I simply told her she needed to get with the group or get out of the group. She was so totally a no-show. Guess I am difficult, because she got defensive and loud, and I got forceful and loud, and we both got angry and loud, and by this time the two quiet kids were sitting with their heads in their arms, and the guy next to me looked like someone had given him a wedgie with a knife to his throat.
Then I sat down, so mad I could feel I'd totally paled-out. She was so mad, she was bright purple, and the guy between us got up and all but ran from the room. Then...after a couple more deep breaths...I thought about what she'd said, because--yeah, that's how I used to be, evil and calculating. I won't lie. I was looking for a weak spot.
But she'd said, "I don't know how to use the computer."
And...I said, quietly, "You could have called."
And she said, just as quietly, and only faintly defensive. "I didn't."
Seriously--I've got pride too. Until last year, I would have walked over hot coals before admitting I needed "any" kind of help. I'm not going to jack someone up for being at the wrong stage in their journey. Turns out she could only use email, and everything else was a mystery. We walked her through it, and she's fine. The guy came back in the room and said, "I thought you were going to kill her."
Nah, not this week--maybe not never. I apologized instead, and got a grip on my Excel by simply agreeing to have no life at all. Hours and hours every night. But I am getting better. I can even do rudimentary formulas. Now, if it only gets a little warmer? I can go sit out on the deck and watch the hawks circle that big pine where the land drops away.