Thursday, August 30, 2007

Crawling out of the pit, because down is bad

...there's this bit in Men at Arms, where Vimes created this cess-pit trap to catch the assassins after him. Jocelyn falls in and she says, "I say, sir. The walls are very slippery. Do you think you could give me a hand?"

And he says, "I spent a lot of time making sure they were. I'll send someone with a ladder." Which I still think is hilarious.

I like Vimes. I like his black sense of humor and his cynicism. He took on a life all his own and I'm sad to see the end of the Guards books. Sometimes...yeah, I feel like Jocelyn. Climbing and treading water and getting nowhere at all, because the trap was designed to keep me in--not let me out. What did he call her? Yeah--an industrious treadler.

But I still have hopes of that ladder, and maybe a wash in the scullery--only not with Romeo's (yeah, his name really IS Romeo) pressure-washer hose fixation. Minute that thing flew up in the air, and he lost control of it, I ran like hell--down the line and over behind the dishwasher. It gave new meaning to the word, "human shield". "Here! Shoot the dishwasher instead!!!!"

I had a really good night at my new job. It was...pleasant. I keep using that word. My kid (when I talked to him about his medicine) said it sounded like I didn't know whether it was bad or good, just that it was neither. And yeah--there's a lot to be said for "neither". It was simply...pleasant.

I do wish I could simply go over to Rite-aid and get my son's medicine, bad enough that it costs so damned much, even with insurance. TWO hundred dollars for a thirty day supply. But I live on the other side of the country, and a quick drive-by isn't feasible.

My daughter has started with, "what happens if I get sick, too?" I don't know. I can only deal with one bad thing at a time.

He won't take the money from me--even though he's broke. There's got to be a way around it. I'll think of something. Because now I have guilt-guilt. I failed to "fix" things. I'm the mom, I'm supposed to fix things.

Cowboy asked me, "what happens when so many bad things happen at one time, it feels like your head is going to explode? And you're angry all the time, and it just keeps getting worse?" Yeah--I feel you.

I just deal with it.

Like Miles says in Mountains of Mourning, "you just go on." And one day, you wake up, and feel better. And every day it gets a little better. You just gotta have patience.

No writing today.

The bad thing about writing is that sometimes, the thoughts creep in. I don't need no creepy-feelies today. I'm going to go out, celebrate my escape from Stalag 13--and maybe buy some chocolate.

I'm outta here.


Dayna_Hart said...


I wish I had advice. Or helpful stuff to say or something. "It'll get better" sounds rather trite, dunnit?

How about I hear you and can totally relate? Probably doesn't help much either, but in the hopes that knowing your not alone helps: I hear you. And I totally relate.

Jennifer McK said...

Yeah, chocolate. Do it. Lots of it. You deserve it.
I'm sorry.
Wish I could help. Wish I could send you $200.
I wish I had some really meaningful shit to say that would help.
If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast our nets.
Which reminds me of the musical "Into the woods"
I wish
More than anything
More than life
Sending you good thoughts.

jodi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jodi said...

yeah--had to delete that. *sigh* Thank you both. No, saying it'll get better isn't trite, because whatever happens--happens. If you don't die, it usually gets better. Sometimes it just takes awhile.

Thank you, Dayna.

And thank you, Jen.

I bought five giant-sized peanut-butter filled chocolate bars, (protein and theobromine!) and like the hungry catepillar says, felt much better.

HipFunkyJive said...

I think that we are being tested.

It's like in Miles' life, he thought he was heading in a certain direction and then {bamm!} the shit hits the fan and you catch a needler grenade in the chest. Well, in the end, he didn't get what he wanted ( the Dendarii Mercenaries) but what he got was even better ( a successful life)