Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Life isn't always a goddamned line

Sometimes I think I have this sign stuck to my head. Here!! Hit me here. For every three steps forward it's two steps back.

I'm fighting with Shire and Pac-Med again. I wish...that I had money. That I had a skill that made mad-money. (well, lol--other than writing, and that ain't no mad-money. At least not yet)Sometimes I have this incredible self-doubt that I made the right decision about turning down that management offer to tread water while I write. It's been a damned long haul, and I see all my former peers comfortably well-off while I'm still...treading water.


I could have done so much for my family. As it is I'm carrying guilt up the wahzoo. Would it have been better to say, "yes"? Was it better to say, "no"? I would have been a different person if I'd gone down that road. I don't think I'd have Hot Contract. I'd have been meaner, that's for damned sure. So many things, so many possibilities.

Being blue and maudlin'. I just want to help my kid with his medicine. Hell, I just want him to get well. If I had money, I'd start a goddamned foundation for orphan diseases and people who need forever-care.

And on that note. Fade out. I'm sickening even myself.


Jennifer McK said...

I'm so sorry, Cup. There's nothing I can say that wouldn't sound like one of those knock off newspaper articles that come out every holiday.
Can I just say that I'm very grateful you made that decision? Can I just say that the minute Hot Contract comes out, I am ALL over it?
Can I say that I'm very grateful that you're an author?
Doesn't help or pay bills but I wanted to say it anyway.

jodi said... was just a maudlin moment like I said. But thank you, Jen. I didn't know what to say to my cp about his problems either, so I just went *sigh*

Not much you can do to fix other people. But I thank you very very much for the thought....

HipFunkyJive said...

No sacrifice (sp?) no victory.

You are so close. Don't stop now. IN addition, for your information, the fact that you actually did this is not treading water. Art is suffering sometimes, but you were given a gift. Your creativity can be focussed anywhere and I've seen it in all its forms. Do it for you.