Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I shouldn't have gone

I'm not the nicest person--and I accept it. I'm probably everything my psych profile says and more, but I like to think I'm okay. I took behavioral science this quarter because I thought it would help with developing characters, but it's more like cleaning out the inside of my head and finding out all the ways I'm odd compared to the rest of the population.

My last assignment was to pinpoint areas I thought needed improvement, and to be honest--I think I'm fine. I have issues, but I'm working through them, and I like myself. In gratitude for the scholarship I won recently, I went to the scholarship banquet. Not the smartest move on my part.

I felt like a short sighted idiot in a sea of normal people. I was the only person at my table, the next table and every table I could eavesdrop on who wasn't planning on continuing on to a four year degree. I picked my degree because it was the fastest way from point A to marketable job skills.

I'm in "re-training", not looking for a career. I just want to make enough money to live on, support my kid and have time left over to write and study craft. People ask me if I want to join study groups, come over and do homework together. Hang out after class. Seriously?

I have a life, and it involves doing homework at two am. I don't have time to go to school all day and do homework all night. I'm struggling to maintain my 3.5, and worried it'll be a total waste of time.

The woman next to me was also an accounting major and she told me how she took time off to devote herself to going to school every day, carried her textbooks around with her, how easy everything was, and how she felt she wasn't being challenged. And there I was, struggling to the point I go to flex class even though I'm not enrolled. It's like pulling fingernails with my teeth. It's freappin' hard!!

How can they make it seem so easy? Is it really that simple? I got a serious case of the unworthies from breathing the same air. I haven't felt so torn since high school. Not that this is going to rock my self-esteem, but damn--I'm blowing through this bag of Dove candy like it's a bottomless grab-bag.


Jennifer said...

Bah! One thing I've learned about some college students. They're competitive and they talk a lot of smack.
Most of those people who say they're going onto a four year degree won't make it. Those study groups are a desperate attempt to cram information in a reluctant brain.
I should know. I did that crap.
You're not only worthy, you're amazing. I think it's good you went so you can see the beginning because IF you see them in three years, they won't be so damn cocky.

deanna said...

Congrats on the scholarship! Really, Jennifer said it all. The more I'm around people involved in education, the more I sense the desperation on the part of most of them to be something sophisticated. And it is crap.

jodi said...

Jen, you are a nice person--even if I didn't comment on your newest book, although I laughed when you said, "did I write everything in that warning?" lol

Thank you, Deanna. I think...I dunno, I was searching for some way out of this weird box I landed in last night. I normally don't have boxes, just a lot of waste cardboard. :)