Saturday, November 7, 2009

Angst and darkness, but mostly angst...

I've gone back to listening to lectures at work. For awhile I'd stopped. I think it's something I do when the noise in my head gets too intense to listen to for more than an hour at a time.

Last Christmas wasn't fun. I simply couldn't get into it. I didn't want a tree or presents, I didn't bake Christmas cookies. I didn't want any summer sausage or peppermint meltaways. I ended up buying a box of dark chocolate covered cherries and crying into the box. I know they're stupid one dollar candies from Wal-mart, but out of all the candies that come around at Christmas, they're my favorite. I used to buy them three or four boxes at a time, and when we were mad at each other, my husband and I would leave boxes of them out as peace offerings. There were usually stacks of these goofy boxes all over the house and in the freezer. We didn't always get along, but we were always trying to make-up.

Jack passed away a little under two years ago, right before our 28th anniversary, and it's taken me this long to say it. I don't like this time of year and I can't stand chocolate-covered cherries. I broke out in full body hives from head to toe on the anniversary of his death and carry Benadryl around like a life preserver.

I thought I'd worked through the grief spasms, but they're back. When I started working again, I had to come clean. I'd be working or thinking, and a song would come on the radio, or someone would say something and I'd start to cry.

People have started eying me again, like I'm going crazy, and one or two brave souls have tried telling me I should be over it. Like Jack was a dog that ran away, or a shoe I lost while hiking. He wasn't the nicest person, and he had serious issues, but whenever we went out together, even if it was to the grocery store--we'd hold hands. And I miss him.

10 comments:

Jennifer Leeland said...

*hugs*
I'm not saying anything but this. You feel what you feel.

Michelle (MG) Braden said...

People are stupid sometimes. I hate it when people try to invalidate feelings. Ditto to what Jen said. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I'd give you the biggest hug if I was there right now (even tho I technically don't think you're a hugger - I'd hug you anyway!! LOL)

Gwen Hayes said...

Jodi--no trite words or cliches will help. Just get through each day the best you can and know there are people who care.

ciarcullen said...

It would be so unhuman not to feel what you're feeling, not to grieve. Loss has no scheduled end. Just hang on and know it will get better and there will be these times. I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm dreading the holidays more this year than last. I don't get it, but I'm rolling with it.

Jax Cassidy said...

If you were here I give you a big hug and make you something nice and hot! I know it's tough and loss is hard to get over. I've had a few close friends/family members pass away in the past 4 years and it's not easy...but nothing is harder than losing someone you spent over two decades with so I know it will take time. You just have to remember there are a lot of people out there who love you and are sending you healing vibes. It takes baby steps and you're doing great. You're able to talk about him and the memories are invaluable but you also have to look toward yourself. By continuing to do what you need to do to be happy, I'm sure that's what any loved one would want. Just know that you aren't alone. Next time I see you, I'm giving you one of those hugs!

XOXO,
Jax

jodi said...

lol, Jax. I think MG is right. I'm probably not a huggie-kind of person, but I appreciate it. :)

Thank you all for stopping by. I think yesterday was just a bad day. :( I'll be better in February.

deanna said...

I think you know you don't have to apologize for bad days. I've started thinking I hope I'll go before my husband; maybe that's not such a nice wish for him, but I'm a wimp. I appreciate hearing about the dark chocolate cherries and the wanting to make up. What better sign of the love you shared?

jodi said...

Deanna, I never really thought about it. Back when we got married, I thought it'd last forever. I put mostly all the insurance on myself in the expectations I have an unhealthy lifestyle, what with all the caffeine and late nights and type A+ personality, and he was so healthy. He ate right and exercised.

I was kind of hoping for something like my Aunt and Uncle, where they passed on within a few months of each other. (although, much as I love Jack, I'm not ready to go yet)

jMo said...

Of course you do, sweetie, and there's no getting over it. Embrace the shit out of it.

Unhinged said...

Well, for what it's worth, I'm with Jen on this one. You feel what you feel. And that's okay. Necessary. Part of the process. When it's time to move past those feelings, you will. They're always going to part of who you are, but I think (I believe) that eventually those feelings will be more than just pain and nostalgia. The more it hurts, the sweeter it was, the stronger you become for having surviving the loss.

That's what I tell myself, anyway. The hard part is fricking believing it when I don't feel I can!