Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Sigh BIG sigh....

I think I've gained some weight. I thought it was the dry cleaning, but I've come to the conclusion--I, er....gained a little weight. Something in the neighborhood of a dress size.

Not that I want to go around telling people I've moved from a fourteen to a sixteen, lol. It's pretty obvious.

Back when I was a svelte twelve, I fought moving to a fourteen. It was just something about the number "4". Fourteen. As in large pants. Pants that were big on top. I don't know why. Maybe because I'd dropped to an eight just before my daughter was born. But afterwards, I couldn't get it off and the whole messed up gallstones operation on top of three c-sections gave me the beer-belly from Hell. I was trying on my conference clothes--some of the best, most expensive, carefully thought out and classic stuff I've ever bought in my life--nothing fit, except for my favorite suit top. I don't "think" I put all the weight around my hips. I mean--actual weight-wise I'm only four pounds heavier than I was two years ago, but I have this horrible fear that I was actually an eighteen for the last year, got hives, and lost enough to squeeze down into a sixteen.


Maybe the doctor was right and I should really think about a scale (scale=bad word). It wouldn't have come as such a shock if I'd noticed I was like...oh, a hundred and eighty pounds and the thrill of losing weight was just an illusion. Gaining, to lose, and settle in a size bigger is just not cool.

...I have no clothes.


I'd been reworking my wardrobe over the last year. A shirt here, a shirt there--a pair of jeans that fit and were comfortable enough to sleep in (for those days I crash), a pair of sneakers. I went out to the store, looking for a dress that meets my extreme specifications (must not show anything bulgy, doesn't make me look squat, doesn't snag on things, isn't scary from the back) and...well, there was a MIRROR in the dressing room.

Not just a mirror, but a three way mirror with a fourth on the door so I could see "all" of me. In horrible living color, lumps, bulges and hair. I just got a haircut. I thought it looked good.

argh!!! From the back it looks very...male. And the dress was bulgy. All the dresses were bulgy.

So, in lieu of a nice dress for Nationals (and a suit--two suits, two dresses and slacks) I'm giving myself a self-image talk. My jeans are very nice and my shirts are extremely nice. I have great costume jewelry. I also look mostly feminine when I have makeup on. I own a pair of pumps (which I bought to go with the suits and don't match the jeans) and a really nifty black leather laptop bag.

Attitude is everything.

And chocolate. I have lots of chocolate.


deanna said...

You've just pretty much described my life (though I'm avoiding conferences at present).

We'd had an old scale and then got one a couple years ago that shows not only weight but fat percentage. At first this scale was rather nice to me, but the fat level has kept creeping up, even though, like you, I'm only a few pounds heavier, and once in a while some amount lighter again. I think the deal (as my mom's warned me for years) is that we reach a "certain age" and our bodies want to get all comfy and roundish. Dress slacks were not made to accommodate mother nature!

I salute your good attitude and your chocolate. Will go have some now, myself. :o)

Kaycee James said...

I think you've just described my life as well. :-)

The only problem with having a scale is that you end up checking your weight more frequently than you should. Umm, like everyday. Alright, who's kidding...twice a day. But who's counting. :-)

I'm so excited that you're going to the conference. We definitely have to meet. Although, I probably won't make the Diva's get-together. :-(

Also, Kaycee's my pen name...the Diva list should have my real name. If it doesn't, leave me a message and I'll shoot it to you (since that's what's on my RWA nametag.) :-)

jodi said...

Deanna, I admire your courage in a fat percentage scale. I've been fighting my daughter's attempts to buy a scale for years. I only know for sure once a year when I go to the doctor.

You're more than likely right, and it's just age trying to create someone wonderful to hold on to. :)

Enjoy your chocolate. I know I did. (and I packed some for the trip, too)

Hey Kaycee. No fear. I'll find you. I've seen your picture. My number is on the contact list, although sometimes I'm hard to reach (especially if Cowboy follows through and comes up Wednesday)

The divas are everywhere. I really don't hang with the group, but you'll probably see me--at the a/e appts, moderating lectures, kicking stuff from under the tables right after the autographing (since I'm part of the clean up crew) (little does Cowboy know he's also part of the clean up crew)(guess I'll have to tell him)

See you in a few days. :)

Alice Audrey said...

I can do you one better. I'm making my clothes for national. Finally got two of the shirts to the point where I could give them a quick try. They are too small. I have to re-work them before the convention.

jodi said...

You're making your own clothes on vacation? (I wish I had one of those shocked emoticons) Alice, you are hard-core. Enjoy yourself before the conference, lol.

Unhinged said...

My problem isn't my weight--it's my bad knee, my hairy legs and my coordination challenges. I fell AGAIN this week. That's twice this month. I'd seriously consider a scooter, but the traffic here terrifies me.

And you're absolutely right--attitude IS everything. Sometimes that's all I've got going for me. ;-)