A core of consistency

I was driving down the street the other day, thinking about my kid who's going through that whole teen aged angst thing, and trying to do the empathy thing and wondering if I'm so far removed from the middle school thing that I can't relate anymore, when it hit me that yeah--I remember, or rather--choose not to remember those years when everything sucked and I hated everyone and the only way out looked like walking myself through the final exit sign. I think there are a lot of things we block. Bad memories, and things that get tucked away. I created Keegan's sister, Corlis, as someone who's compartmentalized so much of herself that she only operates on the surface level, and any kind of deep feeling gets her scared.

Maybe I just chose to forget what it's like before people get that kind of control. I'm compartmentalized to the ninth degree and I only pull open the file cabinet when I need to fish something out for my writing.

I'm doing well on Dead Gorgeous. I think it's going to be a damned strong book. (lol!! I hope I get better with each book...), but I was having a hard time getting a fix on Connor's internal thoughts. Jacey came through just fine, but Connor had so much of himself locked away I didn't have a clue what was there beside that he wants to get away from DalCon and he hates the way he looks.

...maybe I just never got into his head because it's scary in there. Keegan was easy because so much of him is focused outward. He wants to save his brother, he cares for his sister. He wants DalCon to succeed, and he tries...so much.

Connor is just as damaged as Corlis, and maybe I need to think about it some more. There has to be a catalyst scene somewhere in his childhood, maybe in his teens, that created that loathing for his external appearance. I know this guy who got out of home when he was seventeen by moving in with this older woman who used him for sex. He thought it was cool in the beginning, y'know--sex for room and board, away from his parents. What teen aged boy doesn't want that? She paid for everything and he had nothing--then one day, she kicked him out. And his parents wouldn't take him back.

He told me ever since then he's had this control issue, where he has to be on top, pay the bills and own the property. He's bound and determined he's gonna die with everything, because at the point where he thought he'd found the answer, he found the nightmare. Not to say having an Expedition and a good job isn't a good thing, but his relationship with his girlfriend is seriously fucked--and yeah, I thought of different ways to say it, but glossing it over doesn't cover the fact that this guy is damaged, and he's coping with the damage in a bad way. Not accumulating stuff, but how he sees women. Users, right? Living on the street for a year messed with his head.

Writing is a very intimate process. Either you see people very clearly, understand where the hell they're coming from--or you unlock that file cabinet and pull out the bad stuff. The stuff marked with "EYES ONLY".

Know yourself

Sun Tzu said it thousands of years ago, and it's still pertinent. You need to know who and what you are, all the bad and good, and in between stuff, and stuff you would really rather you never knew again--and use it.

Even if it hurts.