I've been AWOL lately, not so much in person, but in thoughts. In and out of reality like a duck--still half-quacked. I've finally come to the conclusion I do non-fiction because it's easier to do in chunks. Not of time, but fully in the moment thinking. Big, compressed chunks like zip files on the upward swing of mania.
I run around in little circles, pen in hand, writing things on my forearm, circling the elbow and down to the palm--running out of space like I don't have reams of paper. All the better to keep it, so I don't lose the thought--like tether strings.
The other day, I almost got fired--in the scale of things, probably a positive ten. It's not the best job in the world, just the one closest to my house, and I mean that literally. I walked into the hiring trailer, said hire me, and they did. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Cowboy--pounding on the glass, trapped in my car, where'd I'd left him when I saw the sign. "NO! No, no, no....you don't want to do that."
It would have worked better if he'd simply wedged himself in the doorway. Saved me two years and a lot of headaches. Liana pointed out I'd recreated my life without Jack, and she was dead-on. Not the brightest move on my part, although I spent a lot of time up at the cemetery.
It took me a year to go back to school, and another year to realize I'd made a mistake. I went in, said--"train me for something I can make money at" and now have this totally useless degree that keeps getting more and more useless since employers want everything from a Bachelors to 5 years of experience, CSS skills, specialized software knowledge, instructor level Access/Excel and a car, so you can run errands and get the boss coffee. For 12 bucks an hour.
I make more than that now--I don't need to take a pay cut. Maybe it's just the area. Maybe it's better down in Portland. I don't know. Maybe I'll check it out next time I visit, but I keep thinking I should have focused on something else.
Like my writing. Like my thinking. I feel better when I think. I wish I could do more of it.