Saturday, November 29, 2008

Sometimes you just have to live

On and off, sporadically--I've been having issues. I spent a long time in denial--okay, maybe denial is a strong word, more like being busy to keep myself from thinking. Because when I think, random thoughts come in, and they lead to random thoughts--and it's like a circle.

I managed to stop pretty much everything, and thought I'd dealt with my issues well--all things considered. But I couldn't sleep, and I either ate too much, or didn't eat at all. And I wasn't writing. Not that most people would consider not being able to write an enormously big deal. In the grand scheme of things, my family was grateful I was stable and things were clicking along--nice house, decent job, all my furniture back, and a trip back to college for stronger work skills.

But...I couldn't write. And nobody understood except other writers. Writing is so solitary. Hours and hours inside your head, staring at a screen. It's a calling.

A month ago I broke the damn, and wrote everything that'd managed to wash up against the wall--and stopped again. People have this tendency to stay out of scary situations, and when the inside of your head is scary--yeah, well--it's hard.

I'd sit and sit and sit--and stare, and skitter around my wip. Two hours of sleep a night, sometimes less. No reading unless I had to, because if I couldn't write, I wasn't going to waste my time reading. What if the writing came? I wanted to be sitting, at my computer--all primed and ready.

Finally, one day, I got so stressed, I didn't know what to do so I took a nap. When I woke up, I was covered from eyelids to toenails in hives. I was on Benadryl for days, and Benadryl makes you sleepy. I slept, and stared--and wondered feverishly what I'd ate. I went to plain rice and built back up--and still I had hives. Then I started on my environment. By the time I went back to work, I was so swelled up I could barely fit my feet in my shoes. And the hives went away.

Work doesn't stress me. So I called Cowboy--vented, took more Benadryl, took a long nap and started qigong--I read a book I'd put off. Watched a movie. Visited Wal-mart, sat on a bench outside and people-watched for an hour. My REM came back, and I can dream again. And...

...the words came back.

Over on Youtube I ran "something cheerful" through the search function and this came up. It's pretty cool, and horribly corny, but the emotions are shiny-bright. And despite the picture--no, it's not about Titanic.


Unhinged said...

So, what you need then is escape and recuperate time?

Have the hives gone away yet?

I loved that corny video. As soon as I saw that you said it was corny, I was going to click it, lol. At first I thought it was about a guy who'd lost his girl--that she'd died--and crap, I almost cried.

It was a cute video. It made me smile, too.

jodi said...

I wish I could escape. But...unfortunately. Nah--I can't. But I am going to get more people watching in. Maybe I'll go over to Costco, buy a fruit smoothie and sit.

I have one lesion under my arm--it just popped up a few minutes ago. I think it's trying to establish a baseline over how much stress I can tolerate. Yeah--guess I was getting pretty wound up. It's good reinforcement. Stress=break out.

no stress, no hives.

That's a cool video. It's from a guy to his best friend. She moved away to marry someone else. But...he deals with it in such a good way. :)

Alice Audrey said...

That was "cheerful"? Uh.... no. But I can easily see how it might fit your current mood.

So stop trying to write something important. Try writing a paragraph of nonsense each day. If something worth keeping slips out, all fine and well, but that isn't where you should be at right now. Try typing the way a teenager might talk; just for the joy of hearing your own voice.

deanna said...

That's a touching video. Genuine. Your expressions have that quality - not hokey or maudlin. Just as real as you're able.

Finding stress relief is where I'm at lately, not for any but whiny reasons. People-watching near the community college, I saw a man with a gray beard wearing a kilt, heading for class. Got to be a story this how you get new characters/stories?

I hope the hives take a hike soon.

liana laverentz said...

I spent two days this week having the flu. Lying in bed and thinking, because you can only sleep so much. It was actually quite good for me. Helped me to refocus. People watching can do that, too. Good luck!

Sheryl said...

Words allow you to express emotion in a different way. Good luck, Jodi!

Anonymous said...

That video is very very cool, Cup.
Just know that I'm with you no matter WHAT you decide.
Sometimes, that elusive title "author" is deceptive. It regulates people into categories.
Instead, I've put my "author" friends into "other" categories.
Lucky you.
You're in my "I don't know what I'd do with out her even though I don't talk to her very often" category.
Want a shiny award?
Did I get off topic?
Yeah, I know.
Just know this. I want what's best for you. If writing (or the stress of trying to) causes hives, then stop.
You'll still be an "author" to me.
That probably doesn't help much.

Unhinged said...

I finally hung my head out the window.

Your turn...