Friday, October 17, 2008

My own worst enemy

...y'know, people say that in an offhand way--like it's really no big deal. But..it is a big deal. It's an enormous, brick wall, poured concrete with rebar deal. Because we never think about what it means.

I think what I brought away from the Hague lecture wasn't structure, although I got enormous amounts of troubleshooting in--but a new way of looking at things. I've been re-listening to his lecture at the same time I've been listening to "reinforcement" lectures on various craft issues, so I can get things firm in my head. But each lecture that touches on character arc and structure says, "you have to do this, or this--or try this, this might work."

Hague says, (and I'm paraphrasing big-time) that's external motivation. Self-knowledge is the emotional under structure. In other words--you can only write from your truth.

I know the question, and I know the answer--and yeah, it scares me, because family defines me. I am a wife and a mother.

To rewrite the question. I would do anything to become a successful writer, but I won't acknowledge that "who" I am, and the behaviors associated with "what" I am, stand in the way of what I want to be. Because to say it, is also to say--my family,


...and yes, I did scroll down, and yes--I still can't say it. Because Hague is right. When you can rewrite the question to reflect what stops you from living in your essence, it's like dying. Because it goes down, past all the words and posturing, all the years and time. Everyone does their own rewrite, and that's something Hague can't say, because it's scary and we lash out at things that scare us.

5 comments:

liana laverentz said...

I get it. I couldn't explain it if you asked me to, but I get it.

Unhinged said...

Yes. I have tears in my eyes as I write this, too.

deanna said...

But it's okay. Processing and living and dying are what we're given - I get that you know these have to take whatever time they have to, when we're (even the best craftsmen of us) real people.

jodi said...

self knowledge is not always fun, but in many ways--a gift

Alice Audrey said...

And yet if you didn't have your family, you wouldn't have as much material to work with in your writing. They are NOT mutually exclusive. The two passions must simply make room for one another.

What really gets between any writer and what he or she might be writing is the writer him/her self.