Thursday, September 4, 2008

Just venting

Today my pet peeve is telegraphing AKA explaining before the explanation.

Terese thought about going down stairs, but decided to stay in her room instead.

Terese closed the door. She would stay in her room.

Janelle decided he was the most handsome man she had ever met.

He was the most handsome man she had ever met.

She realized it was time for them to take their relationship one step further.

It was time for them to take their relationship one step further.

I've been banging my head against the wall all night. It's not a telling issue, it's passive versus active. Okay, it might also be telling. But changing the sentences over to make them more concise and active create motion. And you don't want your story to just lay there. You want it to move.

...good link?

here

10 comments:

Jeanna said...

And she pulls out the Strunk.

Jeanna said...

What happened to White?

jodi said...

lol, sometimes I really hate Strunk and White, but...*banging my head hurts* arghhhh.....

Unhinged said...

Har! This, you realize, don't you? Is one of my writerly foibles.

I also like to interrupt the pace a lot, too. Which makes sense, because I do it to myself in real life all the time. I'll be chatting about something and then another idea occurs to me and I'll switch gears right then and there. Dang, I wish I wouldn't do that.

Kaige said...

Have you tried placing Strunk & White between you and the wall?

And can I just say, "Phew!" I couldn't find any of this in my current story. Yay me!

jodi said...

Unhingey, I talk like that too, unless I'm uber-focused on something in particular...like, chocolate, blah blah--donut? Hey, donuts, blah blah, cd players...

Lol, Kaige. I need to do that. It wouldn't hurt so much.

deanna said...

Just this week I came across a comment on one of my critiqued essays that highlighted this very problem. I see myself deciding now to think about moving toward eradicating the problem...

Jeanna said...

do it do it do it, Unhinged. Fight the power, burn down the mission

Alice Audrey said...

But I think the thing that makes your sentences so much better is that you use deep POV.

jodi said...

lol, Jeanna. You rabble rouser.

Unhingey is Unhinged enough, she might just become a one woman firestorm. Although...hmmm, that might make a great paranormal.

Thank you Alice. :)

And lol, Deanna. I decided to think about what you said, and wonder if I should consider pondering a decision.