Things that define you

I've been doing a lot of thinking about things that define who and what you are, and why they matter. The editor thing mostly. The writer thing a little less so.

I'll always be a writer. I might be struggling right now, but them's there personal issues that I'm fully aware of and trying to fix. Since I'm not a fan of long-term therapy, maybe it'll take a little longer than expected--but I'll get there.

There really isn't much reason to get a haircut, or dye my roots, and I think the last time I bought new clothes was last year. Not that I'm horribly ick or anything, just that the externals that used to be important to me...aren't. I've started to get wrinkles, and I know I'm almost fifty, but I never had them before. Unfortunately, my consuming interest in guaranteed to fix-you-up beauty products is at an all time low.

My job doesn't feel "real". I know I'm there, putting in my time, but it's like I'm sleep-walking. The hands operate without input from the brain. I work, clean house, make sure my family does what has to be done, and..I dunno, time stretches on like a plain with no landmarks.

I know, in my heart--that editing is eating into the time I spend on my writing, but I can't let it go. It's become--in the place of wrinkle-creams, and things that once put pressure on me to "do", a kind of inward motivation that somehow keeps me focused and on-track. I have nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to.

The other day, as I was thinking over the last year and how much I've changed, I realized, we all have things that define who we are to ourselves. The words that connect us to what we've become and what we're evolving into. I can't let go of the editing, because it's part of what I see when I look in the mirror.