Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Things that define you

I've been doing a lot of thinking about things that define who and what you are, and why they matter. The editor thing mostly. The writer thing a little less so.

I'll always be a writer. I might be struggling right now, but them's there personal issues that I'm fully aware of and trying to fix. Since I'm not a fan of long-term therapy, maybe it'll take a little longer than expected--but I'll get there.

There really isn't much reason to get a haircut, or dye my roots, and I think the last time I bought new clothes was last year. Not that I'm horribly ick or anything, just that the externals that used to be important to me...aren't. I've started to get wrinkles, and I know I'm almost fifty, but I never had them before. Unfortunately, my consuming interest in guaranteed to fix-you-up beauty products is at an all time low.

My job doesn't feel "real". I know I'm there, putting in my time, but it's like I'm sleep-walking. The hands operate without input from the brain. I work, clean house, make sure my family does what has to be done, and..I dunno, time stretches on like a plain with no landmarks.

I know, in my heart--that editing is eating into the time I spend on my writing, but I can't let it go. It's become--in the place of wrinkle-creams, and things that once put pressure on me to "do", a kind of inward motivation that somehow keeps me focused and on-track. I have nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to.

The other day, as I was thinking over the last year and how much I've changed, I realized, we all have things that define who we are to ourselves. The words that connect us to what we've become and what we're evolving into. I can't let go of the editing, because it's part of what I see when I look in the mirror.


deanna said...

Editing's got to beat wrinkle cream. :o) Thanks for the glimpses you give into real life. Nothing's easy, but somehow it shines.

Kaige said...

You have to take care of yourself. This includes getting your oil changed ;) See how I worked that in there? I have a hard time with this too. Usually, I tell myself it's because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else. Enh. Not always the case. There's other shiny things to get lost in.

After the first rush of illicit make-up, I was never much interested in it or fashion. However, I was a slave to the feathered look in the 80s. Perms every six months are far too much hassle. Sometimes I think I should do something other than pull it back in a ponytail and ignore it. Enh. This is easier.


Jeanna said...

You shouldn't, most people can't do it.

jodi said...


thank you...

Unhinged said...

Nope, you have nothing to prove and no one to prove anything TO...except to the girl in the mirror. When it comes right down to it, she's who matters.

Our shells are nothing compared to what's inside. Seems trite, but I'm finding this to be more and more true (and more acceptable) the older I get.

Not that I don't intend to do my roots this weekend...