Pride is NOT a good thing.

You think God has it easy, watching out for people like me? Hell no. I'm pretty sure that on any given day there are tons of people with the sin of pride who go around thinking--"oh right, like anyone is watching."

I SUCK at being humble, and I know it. Although I do try when I go to my second job (yes, I have two jobs and write. *sigh*). I wear the "nice person" glasses, and I let my hair frizz up, and I swear...people go around other people to get to me--because I'm so NICE-looking. I look like someones aunt, I'm so nice. They want to ask me if I can help them, 'cause they know for sure that sweet as I am (like Mrs. Claus??!!) I will surely help them find that (insert one) patio set, bobble-headed Spiderman toy, or Shower to Shower body powder. Even though nobody uses bath powder anymore, and Spiderman is clearance.

But...I think I'm a good writer.

I try to be humble.

I try to accept crit and learn from it. I don't think I've...in the last few years? heard or learned things that I can't use to grow my writing.

But--edits are hard.

It's not that I don't understand the "why". It's the whole "hey? I thought that was good" bit of world-view adjustment I'm going through. I'm not whining (lol, to anyone but my CP, the Space Cowboy--who out of the goodness of his heart, lets me text him when I'm down, or call him when I'm ready to implode and can't stop shaking because I just read something that needs to go "in" the input side and process through to...the "yeah, I'm okay with that" side)but...I've been thinking a lot. Not hard to do when the only things working on me are my hands and some muscle memory.

Things happen for a reason. Like Twelve Step. You've got to get to that point--that low down, sprawled out on your belly, please-just-help-me point where the only direction left is up--before you can start on that second growth stage, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.

When I did my regency set adventure/suspense (yeah, Cowboy--I'm talking about the one where Sarah climbs through the window to find Dameral drunk), I wasn't very good. Sure, there were bits where I wasn't bad. But...overall. I was bad. Omni POV, bad transitions. Rotten continuity. Although the names were good. I've always been good at names. Over the next five years, I thought I'd gotten better. I studied everything I could get my hands on, went wildly in the wrong direction--found Gina Welborn and got back on track. (thank you, Gina) And found my editor.

Who is a prize in herself.

I always tell people, "be careful what you wish for."

Like a gift where you cut your hands on the wrapping paper. I'm learning and bleeding.

I use "ing", (God...I never realized how much) and what I thought was a damned tight plot isn't as airtight as I'd hoped.

BUT, and it's a good BUT. I read through a whole bunch of edits tonight, and without the extraneous garbage, I was impressed. Hey! (hubris or not) I'm actually quite good. I felt something. Just like in a "real" book.

Now I'm thinking...do other people go through this? Does it always hurt? I keep coming across threads on RD where people talk about how editors aren't out to get you, and they're trying to make your book better. I know that. But, they don't talk about how--even if you want to be part of that team, if you want to work through your edits, if you want and want and want so badly that anything that can help is gladly accepted--it still hurts.

Even though I was on the point of letting go of HOT CONTRACT and pushing through with my current rough (if I hadn't sold HC to WRP)now I'm back with Keegan and Jen and all the rest of DalCon, and they're mine again.

Sometimes....like tonight, all I could do was sit and hope somebody buys my baby. Because right now--I need a cervical block.